And possibly a LiveJournal. Gah. Two people will read this. One will understand the content. The other will be horribly confused and demand I draw more cock.

I have noticed a re-occurring pattern with myself that at this moment time has bothered me SO much that I am actually all over the place. If it's not actual tears, it's absolute fury or just WHY HALO THAR happiness. For fuck's sake. I'm a woman, but I don't really want to live up to the stereotype of being an emotional state (Adams, I have set the feminist movement back about 70 years from the past week's actions).

It stems from all sorts from the other half, I refuse to go into detail in a blog but it's just a whole lot of crap that unfortunately, the nice things that he does don't really outweigh actions that reflect badly upon the future. Other things have thrown a spanner into my original thinking which do involve his family (but quite frankly it is none of her business and will never be from now on (: ). And seriously, it's not a competition.

But the easiest option requires the biggest bollocks to actual do. For me to do the ultimatum to someone requires them to REALLY fuck me off, if they're 80% a cunt it is so much easier to shake them off (r.e.: ginger with the one bollock). But this? Ah...never felt this way before. To say I am completely done is a bloody lie, because we have so much at stake. Mainly me, to be completely honest, as my insecurity has helped me make wrong decisions in the past. Really, really wrong ones that have driven me to my worst. But once all the cards are on the table, he is wonderful and the best thing that has walked into my life so far. A clean slate, with both of us at opposite ends of the spectrum (he's integrated and free with his family, mine...ah yeah let's not go there). Which 90% of the time does make an interesting and fun relationship. But these issues that keep cropping up? Need to be sorted one way or the other. And for once, it's time to think about me first instead of my usual self-less views.

I am at the halfway stage, and whatever I decide will only feel final when it's concluded. Getting any emotional response whatsoever is like pulling teeth out, and it has taken six days since this was put on the back burner to actually get a line. I do put up with a lot of shit, but this? Ah. Would be so much simpler if we could sit down and have a conversation without me feeling like I'm a loony. Or he actually grows up and is less stubborn. This is quite rich coming from me. But for once I'm not attacking myself and ignoring faults in the other like I always do. And the talk of wanting a future (which I do see as genuine) does affect a lot more now, than if we had just decided to discuss everything.

Just wish I could get that time machine and go back and make different decisions. I do not regret anything at this stage, but maybe if I'd known what I know now, I would have taken things slower than we did. The ballsy, confident part of me would have also got over the friendship worry with the other one and tried it on with him...which is interesting to think about.

Then again, this entire journal has been written when I am at my calmest and logical out of my horrendous mood-swings over the worry of this whole damn thing. I am certain that tomorrow I will be back to being an emotional hermit. Who is catching up fast with Gossip Girl. Awesome in some respects. But pretty bad for when I try not to drag my friends down with my "me me me" funk. This is all I've talked about this week with pretty much anyone? Even some of his closest friends, for a realistic viewpoint. Which has helped tremendously. My previous source is at the end of it, biased to her brother and would rather see his needs first understandably.

I get invites out, and it is a struggle to accept. Because of how paranoid I am about everything...I notice couples more, those little looks people give each other. The lack of "something" that used to surround me when I felt at my lowest, knowing that he was thinking of me. Honestly, I do paint this image of an independent, sociable person. But the opposite is pretty much real. Sod's Law does dictate that I am at my best when I am with somebody, which does affect me. But maybe I need to go it alone. Who knows? Only me, unfortunately.

(And if you've made it through all that have a gold star and a ginger biscuit, it settles sickness <3


P.P.S yes I did spell-check all this).

I've just realised I am absolutely shite at male anatomy. Unless of course they're anorexic, borderline women anyway.

This is what basing ideas off anime anatomy does to you.




Although I do draw a mean Sailor Moon

My New Media tutor is one. An ongoing project to design a logo for a letterhead, invoice and business cards.

Simple? Yeah erm no. Not for him. He's such an elitist it's ridiculous. He never answers your questions and refuses to critique properly. It's like answering with the weather when asked what the time is.

He also changes his opinion of my stuff veeery quickly. Ufgdhgfhsgfhds. Sorry, but how can you go from hating to loving, then back and forward for EIGHT WEEKS?! (Note: he apparently loves my stuff now. Make your fucking mind up). The website is next, with Dreamweaver. I'm not looking forward to that.

Peppermint tea is ace by the way. Good for cravings. I swear I'm not bordering on anorexia, really =#

Also feeling a bit lonely, but there you go.

Erm...yes. That would be the coffee talking. Since my last journal update, it has been exactly six months, twenty-nine weeks and too many days. A very brief tally of how my summer has gone:-

* Worked at a certain Romanesque coffee bar for two months. Hated it.
* Moved onto another job at an Australian-themed bar for another couple of months. Which didn’t pay me on time, so chose to leave.
* Had an interview at a shoe boutique, got offered the job, then dropped it in exchange for a much better paying one at a jewellers. Which booted me out after a manager took offence to me.
* Missed rent due to not being paid, so had to pay excess.
* Have lived in three places so far. Bugger.
* Took me a month to unpack.
* Still haven’t had my student loan through, so literally living on beans and dried food.

Total of jobs during 2008 so far; 4 D: ...So yes, not the best of summers. Or fall, really. I’ve moved into a nice house with a list of problems ranging from rude work-men and idiotic estate agents. But that’s what you get with these people, apparently. Just beginning my second year of university and I’m enjoying it so far which is a break in the somewhat monotonous summer routine. It’s getting colder, and I’ve made the resolution to enjoy this year (in stark comparision to the old place. Oh dear). Work hard, play harder, shop hardest.

Which brings me to my next point. I’ve decided that my ultimate goal from this degree is to enter the big world of Fashion. Preferably writing about it, but I have other ideas planned. I’ve always been a somewhat artistic person, but my main love has got to be the sphere of dressing in very silly outfits and pretending its”fashionable”. I feel more comfortable so I’m taking more risks in life. If you don’t, expect a bland existence.

Note to self, I become very cynical when deprived of sleep ;D Another to-do list, which is going to STAY ON HERE FOREVER!;
1. Do amazingly well at university.
2. Get some work experience, preferably with the BBC.
3. Get a good job. Preferably within retail fashion, but beggars can’t be choosers
4. Build connections with people I’ve lost contact with the past year or so.
5. Have sexual relations with Gaspard Ulliel.
6. Grow a pair.
7. Learn how to cut an onion properly, and within five minutes.
8. Donate unwanted stuff to charity.
9. Start a blog!
10. Be beautiful.

So yes, to bring this to a quick close. At the end of the day, I won’t be focusing on my previous dream of being involved in the Arts. I have no patience, and I STILL haven’t bothered to learn anatomy. I didn’t want to become one of those twats that reads Naruto and then claims to become the next big thing. Oh good God no This account won’t stay static, but it’ll just be a place of doodlings, photos, sketches, prose for university (hurf durf i r riter) and general bollocks. So yes, this is active again, go me!

NOBODY IS GOING TO READ THIS ANYWAY OH GOD GO TO BED SERIOUSLY

Oh look, I haven't updated this for more than a year.

Hit a bit of a stagnant patch regarding my drawings, but after investing in some good stuff and a few anatomy books I might have another go at it.

Don't expect colour because the theory is still to be studied :[

Y/N?